With over 25 years of experience in financial advice for women and wellbeing, one insight stands out - every financial behaviour is influenced by deeper emotional and psychological factors.

Even the most disruptive habits like overspending, money avoidance, over generosity, non-confrontational, hyper-vigilant, obsessive compulsiveness or excessive debt, on an emotional level, serve a purpose. They are attempts, however misguided, to provide either safety, comfort, security or mask deep fears and anxieties.

How we create our financial behaviours

Money is never just about money.

We link money to our safety, identity, self-worth, and belonging. Our childhood experiences, cultural conditioning and family patterning create our own unique money stories that shape how we behave financially.

I regularly work with clients who grow up seeing their parents or family members constantly arguing about money—so they associate money with stress and conflict. As children their developing brain absorbed these experiences in a highly emotional way.  As a 10-year-old, their prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thinking) is not fully developed, their brain relies more on the amygdala, which processes fear and emotional responses. Over time, repeated exposure to financial stress strengthens neural pathways that associate money with tension and insecurity.

Now, think about your own childhood experiences – how have they shaped the things you do today, with money?

So, when we try to ‘fix’ or change our behaviours purely with logic—by budgeting harder, restricting spending, or setting rigid rules—we ignore the emotional drivers behind them.

“when we ignore emotion behind the behaviours or money patterns,

long-lasting change just won’t happen”

Let’s say someone compulsively shops when they’re stressed. From a rational perspective, the answer seems obvious: ‘Just stop shopping.’  But if that spending is fulfilling an unmet emotional need—maybe it’s a way to feel in control, to soothe anxiety, or to reclaim a sense of abundance after financial hardship—then a logical and practical solution won’t work. The underlying need still exists, and without addressing it, the behaviour will either continue to repeat or resurface in another way, shape or form.

Understanding financial behaviours through Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Psychologist Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems(IFS) model provides a powerful framework for understanding why we do what we do with money. IFS suggests that we are not a single, unified self, but rather an internal system of different ‘parts’ that each have their own perspectives, emotions, and motivations.

If we apply this model to money, we might have within us:

• A Worrier part that hoards money out of fear of instability.
• A Spender part that splurges frivolously to experience fun, risk, or     rebellion.
• An Avoider part that refuses to check bank statements to escape shame.
• A Perfectionist part that obsesses over every financial decision to avoid mistakes and     often does nothing instead.
• A People-pleaser part that puts other’s financial needs ahead of their own.

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None of these parts is inherently bad, they’re actually trying to protect us in some way—from past experiences where we felt powerless, unworthy, or unsafe around money.  The problem is when these parts significantly drive all your decisions, leading to financial stress, avoidance, obsessiveness, underearning, workaholism or impulsivity.

3 strategies to overcome financial self-sabotage

Changing self-sabotage is hard.  Maybe you already know that.

The answer isn’t shame or discipline, it’s self-compassion, love and understanding.

Instead of seeing our financial behaviours as ‘problems to fix’, see them as messages (or cries for help) from a specific part of yourself.

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1. Acknowledge the protective role of your part

Instead of labelling yourself as ‘bad with money’ or ‘irresponsible,’ get compassionately curious.

Ask: What is this behaviour trying to do for me?

Here’s a few common “examples from clients I’ve worked with

Avoiding conflict and prioritising others' needs which derail your financial goals. You want to save, but friends expect you to spend on outings, gifts, or split dinners you can’t afford. Instead of speaking up, you comply, and live a cycle of resentment, guilt, and financial stress while moving further from your goals. This may stem from a need for belonging, people-pleasing, or fear of disappointing loved ones—often learned from family who avoided conflict or valued generosity. Overtime, external expectations shape your finances, creating stress and frustration. Behaviour goal = keeping you safe and belonging

Obsessively monitoring finances and fearing loss, despite being financially secure. You check your accounts multiple times a day, scrutinise every transaction, and hesitate to spend money and worrying about worst-case scenarios. Instead of feeling secure because you have enough financial resources, you live in anxiety and fear. This behaviour may stem from childhood experiences of scarcity, unpredictability, or a deep-seated need for control. Over time, this fear-driven mindset can prevent you from enjoying your financial stability.

Behaviour goal = keeping you in control of the situation

Indecisive and avoidant - feeling financially lost, you wish someone else would handle it for you. Growing up, money wasn’t discussed, or decisions were made behind closed doors. Maybe your parents struggled but shielded you from it, or they seemed to manage fine but never explained how. Without exposure to budgeting, saving, or investing, you grew up feeling that money was complicated—something for "adults" or "experts" to figure out. Now, you avoid checking accounts, hesitate to make financial decisions, and assume others just" get it" while you don’t.

Behaviour goal = fear of abandonment or avoid making costly mistakes

 “Everyone’s behaviour around money makes perfect,

logical sense when the underlying motivators are revealed.”

2.       Unburden the parts holding financial fear

If a part of you believes that money is dangerous (perhaps due to childhood scarcity), it will resist financial stability, even when logically you want to save and invest. Working with this part—through journaling, therapy, or self-reflection—can help release old fears so they don’t dictate present behaviour.

3.       Set yourself an Identity goal– instead of forcing yourself into strict financial rules or taking action that is hard, work on reshaping your financial identity. Are you someone who is bad with money, or are you learning to build financial confidence? Are you “just a spender,” or are you becoming someone who makes values-aligned financial choices? When we shift identity, behaviours follow.

In order to believe in a new identity, we have to prove it to ourselves. Keeping promises to yourself is the best way to do this.  

Finding financial well-being

When we approach our financial behaviours with compassionate curiosity rather than judgment, we create space for transformation. Instead of waging war against ourselves—fighting our spending urges, repressing our money fears, or forcing budgets that feel suffocating—we can start working with ourselves.

By integrating practical financial strategies with emotional self-awareness, we move beyond temporary fixes and into long-term financial well-being. Money stops being a battleground and starts becoming a tool for growth, freedom, and self-trust.

Because when we stop fighting against ourselves and reflect inwards and start listening, that’s when the money magic happens.

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