As we’re in the middle of the holiday season, I wanted to explore the art of receiving.

Do you experience inner discomfort when someone gives a compliment or gift to you, or can you truly embrace and appreciate the generosity and kindness being extended to you?

Giving is connected to generosity and thoughtfulness, but receiving can be a more complex.

Many of us find it difficult to accept money or gifts graciously, despite the positive intentions behind these gestures.

So, why are so many of us uncomfortable with receiving? And how can we make it easier?

In this article, we'll delve into the psychological factors that contribute to this paradox and explore ways to overcome the discomfort associated with receiving.

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1.   Childhood conditioning

From a young age, we often learn the importance of self-reliance and independence. Particularly if family finances were strained, a child may decide that ‘if you want something, you need to get it for yourself’ so not to financially burden your parents. Unfortunately, children are very clever this way and too often carry the financial stresses or burdens of their parents. Breaking free from these deeply ingrained strategies can be challenging, making it difficult to accept financial help or gifts without feeling a sense of guilt or indebtedness.

If you grew up not receiving much attention or consideration or were even regularly criticised, you may be conditioned to this, and it will feel unfamiliar and therefore uncomfortable to receive compliments.

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2.   A self-imposed pressure to reciprocate

Receiving is often accompanied by a sense of obligation or indebtedness. Some may worry that accepting something, whether it be a favour or a gift, creates an unspoken contract needing reciprocation. The fear of being in someone’s debt can overshadow the joy of receiving, turning it into a source of stress or discomfort.

This may come from a sense of wanting to keep balance or control in the relationship. The problem with keeping the score even is that you don’t get to experience the glow of giving when it comes from a place of obligation.

3.   A low container for receiving (or worthiness)

People with a low sense of self-worth or self-esteem will always struggle to accept generosity. Accepting gifts can trigger feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy, making it difficult to believe that they deserve such gestures of kindness.  If being be on the receiving end of positive gestures or compliments, immediately leads to a deflection or redirection of them, this is a sure sign of a low container for receiving.

If you find it difficult to ask for help when you need it, this one’s for you too.

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4.   Limiting beliefs about receiving

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You may have formed false beliefs about receiving. Here are a few examples of them:

When you’re given something, you have an obligation to reciprocate. 

If someone is being generous, they probably have ulterior motives(strings attached).

Believing you don’t deserve it unless you’ve earned it.

It would be selfish for you to receive something when others need it more than you do.

Being independent is a sign of strength, being needy is weak.

A good person doesn’t be a burden on others.

If someone gives you something, they can take it away.

It’s selfish to want or ask for something I want.

I should just be grateful for what I get, rather than ask for what I want – you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

It’s dangerous to receive extra attention.

These beliefs were formed during some painful memory from your past.  None of these are true, however you’ve made them to be true.

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5.   Vulnerability and trust

Accepting something from others requires a degree of vulnerability. You may find it challenging to be in a position of vulnerability, fearing that it opens you up to relying on others for support, a feeling of powerlessness or believe it will eventually lead to disappointment.  

Some people value their independence and control over their lives to such an extent that receiving help or gifts feels like a loss of control.   It can also be a defense against intimacy and not wanting others to get close to you.

How to overcome a low container for receiving

1.    Understand your relationship with receiving

This can be done through a deep self-reflection about what you feel, and why.  

Start by reflecting on what receiving gifts or having money and time spent on you, was like for you growing up. Here are a few examples:

I really wanted brand name jeans, but we couldn’t afford them so my parents bought me the knock-off version. I was so disappointed, but didn’t want to show it and upset my parents.

My sibling would get more presents for their birthday than I did. I felt like they were treated differently to me. It made me feel…….  I then believed ……. about myself.

I got all of the best toys, everything I wanted, but none of my friends or kids at school did, so I felt guilty, or ……..  So, I …….. [shared them, gave them away, didn’t value them].

My parents worked hard to buy me everything I wanted, or they thought I wanted, but I what I really needed was time with them.

2.    Examine and challenge negative beliefs related to receiving.

Read the list above on limiting beliefs then write your own list out.

Now, focus on the ones you want to change.  What could you believe about receiving instead?

Understand that accepting help or gifts doesn't diminish your worth, it can be a source of joy and creates connection by allowing others the opportunity to experience the joy of giving.

3.    Embrace the practice of gratitude.

Intentionally focus on the positive aspects of receiving, acknowledging the generosity of others, and expressing genuine thanks.

Gratitude can transform the act of receiving into a source of connection and joy.  Cultivate a sense of gratitude for the kindness extended to you.

“Receiving is harder than giving, son. But gifts are made to be accepted” – Dani Harper

As we navigate the Christmas/ NY holiday hustle, let's remember that the true magic lies not in the material aspects but in the intangible spirit of Christmas—the joy of giving and receiving with an open heart.

Understanding and addressing the challenges associated with receiving is an inner- journey toward building healthier relationships with yourself, with money and with others.

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If the contents of this article resonated with you and 2024 is the year you want to expand your container for receiving more, reach out and book a 15 min chat.

I'd love to hear how you got on with the reflection exercises above.

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